It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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