Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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