Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
