That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
