last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
