am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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