i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
