Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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