i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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