he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
