we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
