I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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