dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
ok first of all what the fuck
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
