Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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