that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
