found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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