Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
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Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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