Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he thought i was a dude.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
