if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
