I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
