My room smells like vodka and shame
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
