U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
