Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
