Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
