He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
