2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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