It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
