I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
