I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
