i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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