Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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