Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
