I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hippo gnu deer
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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