Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
