I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
