i was rollin on her like bob the builder
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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