dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
