If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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