i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
