I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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