That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
