If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
