Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
