in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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