It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
