when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
