Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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