i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
