Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
