she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
