fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
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my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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