it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
