I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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