I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
