I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
