im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
