I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
