i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
