You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
